I hope that I can get organized for Christmas now. It is Thanksgiving today and I am so grateful. For Ben and all that he does for me. For family that lives close.
We went to Tami's today and had dinner there. Before going to Tami's I tried to have our family photo at Wheeler Farm but Morgen wasn't cooperating and Ben pushed him down. I have never seen him act that way before and it upset me. Morgen was crying, I was sad and Markus was so scared.
After dinner at Tami's we went up to Heber in the new Honda CRV that we just purchased to replace the lemon land rover. We ate pie and played Balderdash with the family, it was fun! We drove home late and carried the boys into bed.
There is nothing better than seeing my sleeping babies snuggled warm in their beds. I love being a mom. My boys mom and this is where I belong. I know that I will always feel that way. When I chose to become a mother it was an unspoken agreement to be forever vulnerable. Even if I don't mean to, my eyes slide to the clock day and night and I wonder where they are, if they are safe, on the playground or in the classroom, if they have had enough to eat, if they are healthy, if they need anything from me. It doesn't matter how old they are, I suffer and learn from heart. It is not possible to satisfy women, I read the other day. We are disturbed if we have children too young. We are disturbed if we have them later. Disturbed if we don't have children at all. "That which cannot be named is a disturbance." These are not my words. I plagiarize. I will not write who wrote them. Instead, I will claim them as my own because I have lived them: they could be written by no one else but me.
I borrow. I steal. I purchase what we need and buy what we don't. I acquire things, people, places, all in the process of losing myself. Busyness is the religion of distraction. I cannot talk to you, because I have too much to do. I cannot do what I want, because I am doing what I must. Do I forever walk away from what is real and true and hard? When it comes to words, rather than using my own voice, authentic and unedited, I steal someone else's to hide my fear.
B