Remember Lately

I hope that I can remember some of the things I've read lately. I bought a book last week at Barnes and Noble with the gift card I won at Bunko, it's called 'Being Perfect'. It says some good things about putting down the backpack of bricks that we carry around when we are trying to be perfect. It also says that we should always start with a clean slate and ask ourselves why we do all that we do in our lives. I feel like I need to do that, so I can relax and enjoy my boys before they are all grown up and moving away. My relationship with Ben is a casualty. I am guilty. The sin I committed is a lack of support. I hurt. We hurt each other. We hide and project. We become mute, and it festers like boiling water until one day we erupt like a geyser. I forget sometimes that I come undone with grief. So much can come between us - especially in silence. The simplest of misunderstandings becomes a jealousy. I have found that what I need most to heal a broken bond is time together - the very things I avoid is the thing most desired.

Unexpressed emotion will be expressed somewhere, somehow, inside or out, most the time as unconscious aggression delivered with a smile or a poisonous cup of milk

"It is not the sin that carries the shadow but the intent...the intent or drive or motive behind the acts we commit." - Esther Harding

The sin I have committed is the sin of adoption. I have a adopted a different set of beliefs from the beliefs I was raised to obey. But this definition of sin over time has become my joy. I do have other Gods before me, many, and none are a white old man sitting on a beautiful throne in heaven. Blue whales hold authority for me, like a priest. A bald Eagle soars with the wings of an angel. My betrayals have been many, accidental and deliberate, sins of omission and commission. My words can burn and wound. I know how to disappear. But redemption is always possible. I am reading about peace, in the Anatomy of Peace that Kate gave me for Christmas. I pray. I repent. I forgive. I am forgiven. I keep a journal to talk to my shadow. And I believe in the power of a loving community to create miracles. I can speak to my children through the generations.

B